For our fifth adventure we took in the delights of Brighton Sea front. We knew there would be some horrible wings but were not prepared for the wing abominations we found...
We always start a Wingnuts night full of positivity, full of the joy of wings and ready to show you guys the best the city has to offer, what could possibly go wrong? Well this was the fifth Wingnuts and like all fifth instalments, this night was as good as Police Academy part 5. We started off in JB’s American diner. There were pictures of Elvis everywhere and judging by the size of the portions, the King clearly had an input here. But to be honest, these wings were as dry as his blue suede shoes and if we’d managed to eat the whole portion, there is every chance we’d be found dead on the toilet seat. Oh, and on a theme of suspect provenance for the night, apparently the chicken was from ‘England’. Avoid.
Score: 18 out of 50
Saddened by the first wings of the night, we headed to Taste. This place has changed names around 20 times since we’ve lived in Brighton. We assume they change it every time the tax man visits. They failed miserably on provenance by stating that their wings “definitely come from chickens”. But they made up for this piece of world-class banter, by the place being completely devoid of atmosphere and the fantastic customer service of needing to summon the chef from having his fag outside to cook them for us. However, the wings actually tasted good when they arrived and they had the exciting addition of chips! There was a strange selection of sauces in jugs, including a pint of sweet chilli sauce and a finger bowl. To be fair though, go to this place for the sea views, not the wings. Actually don’t go all.
Score: 16 out of 50
Buddies café bar
Right, as you may have established, this evening was not going well and it was about to get ten times worse. We arrived at Buddies at 6:50pm and there were three security guards already removing one of southeast London’s finest day-trippers. To be fair though, he probably kicked off because he’d tried the wings. To sum this place up, it’s prepay only, you have to have a tattoo to be allowed in and it was stupidly expensive. We thought that no wings would be worse than Dominos pizza, but hey, records are there to be broken and Buddies you guys can take a bow! The best thing about this place was watching the starlings fly around the pier and trying to convince ourselves we hadn’t just eaten four of them.
Score: 7 out of 50
The Hop Poles
We were desperate, we needed a decent wing, surely the Hop Poles wouldn’t let us down, we love this pub. Well it didn’t let us down in some respects. They had good provenance, the wings looked great and had an awesome chilli jam that we would have eaten with anything. However, like the bar staff, they were so sweet - and like all things sweet, they got on our nerves after about five minutes. Go to the Hop Poles for the beers and atmosphere, not the wings.
Score: 27 out of 50
This evening was going from bad to worse, surely a specialist bbq joint wouldn’t disappoint. We felt confident when we saw the selection of heat varieties and the fact they knew where the chicken was from. When the wings arrived they looked good, the hot sauce was awesome and they tasted alright. Unfortunately though, the chicken was as tough as your Nan’s old bunions, and we felt like we needed a chisel to get through them. They do an all you can eat wings night on a Tuesday, but seriously, your teeth would give out before your insides did!
Score: 31 out of 50
On we went to our penultimate venue and as usual we were full of optimism, despite eating more than 40 of the worst wings this city has to offer. Stock Burger was busy and the staff were great, they knew about their chicken and despite us explaining this was a chicken wing review, they insisted on giving us two free burgers. They were so generous and friendly, so therefore in return, it is only fair for us to be friendly and generous to them. So in summary, Stock Burger wings were the best wings we had, on what was the worst night for wings since Linda McCartney passed away.
Score: 28 out of 50
Lion and Lobster
Our last venue, our last chance to salvage anything from this Wing-ter of our discontent. Surely we must end on a high, come on the God of wings, show us your mercy! Alas not, these wings were slimy, tough and tasteless and the response to provenance was “Ooh, I don’t know, we’re vegans”. To make matters worse, Wingnut Elliot experienced our first ever incident of ‘wing rage’. It wasn’t pretty and we needed to show him pictures of classic wings we’d enjoyed in the past to reassure him and calm him down. A sad end to a sad night.
Score: 15.5 out of 50